How to rebuild trust after cheating — of the money kind
You promised each other to “be better” with your finances. Things were going OK. But somewhere along the way one of you veered off course. You’re not happy. Your spouse is not happy. The D-word (divorce) has been thrown around in the most heated arguments of late.
And somehow you’re supposed to celebrate the upcoming day of love with all that love you can’t seem to muster up.
Broken trust is tricky to repair, especially when it concerns money, but it can be done.
The back story on love and money
The reason couples go totally squirrelly over financial misalignment is because everything about how money is made, spent, saved and given can be linked directly back to a person’s value system. And, what a couple values and cares to prioritize is either going to keep them moving in the same direction or rip them apart — different priorities pulling in opposite directions.
Let me dish an example. If you consider saving for the future an act of self-care and love for your relationship, but your partner couldn’t give a rat, it’s going to feel like your partner doesn’t care about your future as a couple, altogether. Then everything they spend the household discretionary money on will feel polarizing and hurtful to you — “You bought another coat when we have no rainy day savings? How could you do something so ridiculous and stupid! That coat won’t help us if the roof starts leaking.”
You get this, right? Because chances are at some point in your life you have experienced this kind of misalignment, or watched it as you grew up.
The magnitude of the misdeed matters
Of course, if you find hotel, sex shop and dinner receipts that were not for your relationship, that’s likely the end of things. Your money play here is to do what you can to keep things amicable while you split.
But, if the misdeed is falling into the categories of overspending, revenge spending, poor saving, bad habits, terrible planning or not prioritizing needs versus wants, there is hope.
Start with an honest convo about what’s going on and how it’s impacting you
Though money matters are emotionally charged (like on a double dose of steroids kind of charged), stick to the facts as best as you can here. Call the misdeed out (even if it is you confessing to something). Explain how it’s hurting you and the relationship. Ask for forgiveness or an apology. Let your partner know you want to make this better. If you or your partner are struggling with this conversation, bring a counsellor on board to support you.
Literally nothing can move forward without these steps because they are rooted in the core values of honesty and transparency. The second season of “White Lotus” will clear things up for you on this front if you need a reference point … and a laugh.
Commit to making a budget for the day to day, and then a financial plan for the long-term
Aligning your spending to joint financial priorities like debt reduction or retirement savings is one of the very best ways to quickly get things back on track. The budgeting process does just that.
Tally up your sources of income to assess how much is coming in every month.
Go line by line through your core essential expenses like rent, groceries, utilities and child care. If there are any opportunities to save on these costs, work on it together. Then, set aside money toward short- and long-term savings like an emergency fund and RRSPs, respectively. Next, outline the non-essential spending you two would like to do. It is healthy to earmark money for fun things like personal wellness and fun activities. The goal is to ensure you’re not overdoing it on all the wants. Otherwise you’ll end up in completely avoidable debt, and that’s a recipe for arguments.
Stumped on how to build your budget? Hire a money coach to guide you with every budget category and who will offer suggested savings. A neutral party is also great for diffusing tension.
The next step is to build a financial plan. Couples with a plan are more likely to stay together and they have significantly more money in retirement (between two and three times more). A plan does take a bit of time to establish and I recommend you do this with a financial planner or coach who has a financial planning background. I’d steer clear of the do-it-yourself approach unless you’ve got a solid financial planning background.
Underpinning all of these suggestions is my top recommendation — regular, respectful, upbeat and clear communication about your finances. Make it a part of your weekly rituals as a couple. Check your banking together. Ask questions about what’s coming up spending wise for the week ahead. Celebrate your money wins. Encourage each other.
I’ve seen fractured relationships come back together, and stay together, in as few as four weeks, simply by implementing these healthy money and relationship strategies. Try it. Chances are your partner wants this for their Valentine’s Day gift next week, anyways.
This article was originally published in The Star. Lesley-Anne Scorgie is a Toronto-based personal finance columnist and a freelance contributing columnist for the Star.
