I’ve been a financial educator for 17 years. I’ve never shared this in my writing before

I’ve built a successful business in the financial wellness space and published three bestsellers on the subject to boot. And here’s the truth: I still struggle with comparing myself to others. 

For me, keeping up with the Joneses looks like this:

Saying out loud to my bff, “I’ve worked so hard for many years. Doesn’t my family deserve a bigger home by now?” In this moment, all I want to do is overstretch my real affordability, get the next-step home, tell everyone I did it ... and for what?

Examining how other forty-somethings with somewhat similar incomes (I’m assuming, of course), spend their money on food, fashion, entertainment and travel. Like, between their regular trips to Walmart, where’d that designer bag fit into the budget?

Asking my therapist, “Phil (yup, just like the show), how will I know when enough is enough?” I just can’t seem to stop pushing my FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early) goal even further.

Going to my local “mom’s night” and overhearing a few of them dish on their lavish compensation arrangements — and then leaving questioning everything about my career. The next day, I spend an hour furiously updating my LinkedIn profile (quite literally pounding on my keyboard), annoyed that I don’t earn more. 

However, these three powerful mindset shifts have helped me reduce comparisons and find gratitude for where I’m at financially. They might help you, too.

Get to know your finances

It begins with getting to know your personal finances really well. Understand the cash inflows and outflows (a.k.a. budgeting) in your household, know the value of your assets and debts, and learn what’s worth spending money on, based on your personal values. Once you really get to know your current financial situation a whole lot better, set two to three achievable financial goals that make sense for you — not for anyone else. 

This exercise is also the first step toward living within your means, and leads to greater contentment with what you do have rather than fixating on what you don’t have. When you’re tracking your numbers, you’ll start to see financial “wins,” like a growing net worth, and you can celebrate those. 

Every month, as a part of my financial self-care ritual, I update my household budget, net worth and review the goals my husband and I share, and the ones I work on solo. I feel satisfied.

Stop comparing

Comparisons can leave you feeling inferior, robbed of the joy of being in the moment, and confused about your own value system. We all know this, but what we are comparing ourselves to is rarely the truth — no one posts the worst of their life on social media.

Comparisons about how we should live, what we should have and how much we should make triggers overspending as we try to achieve impossible expectations. After stretching to get that patio furniture, bigger house, higher salary, the next round of comparisons and false expectations start up. It’s a cycle.

Insert a circuit breaker. Here’s what I do when the comparisons start. I stop (sometimes I actually need to physically remove myself from the situation). I write out (or say out loud) my personal values such as my family and friendships, having spare time, etc. I jot down a few sentences of gratitude or record them in a voice memo, about how I’ve put these values into practice. I come back to this list regularly and immediately feel grounded that I’m doing OK. Breaking the comparison cycle is an ongoing process for me, and I’m so glad I know how to interrupt it rather than let unhealthy comparisons wreak havoc on my mental health and money.

Replace ‘someday soon’ thinking

“Someday soon” thinking pushes your financial security further down the road. It can look like delaying investing until better times are ahead, putting off making a debt-reduction plan until your credit card gets declined, or not setting any meaningful financial goals for yourself. It also shows up as expensive purchases so we can “fit in” — meanwhile we are foregoing starting that emergency fund — again.

The truth is that every day you have a choice — are you going to try to make the best financial decisions possible, today? Of course you will! When you’ve got a reason for doing so, like making great choices so that you can achieve some of your personal finance goals, or so that your kids can have a better life than you did growing up, it makes tricky financial decisions a lot easier. 

Showing up for yourself and your money every day, starting today, and making the best financial choices possible is at the heart of financial wellness. If you’re stuck, take a small step today, like transferring money into your TFSA, or paying a bit extra on your credit card.

My morning mantra includes cheering myself on to do what I can to be great with my money and my life every day, and to forget what other people are doing. 

Though the Joneses are always going to be there, these three mindset shifts have helped me push past costly comparisons and enjoy my life more.

This article was originally published in The Star. Lesley-Anne Scorgie is a Toronto-based personal finance columnist and a freelance contributing columnist for the Star.