No, your kid doesn’t need that car. How to handle the big-gift-expectations person in your life this holiday season

We all have big dreamers in our lives. Some of them are six-year-old cutie patooties and others are 60-year-olds whose primary love language is receiving gifts … big ones.

Let’s clear a few things up before diving into how to handle giant gift expectations …

You are not behind if you don’t propose by Christmas.

You are not a bad parent if there isn’t a car in the driveway with a bow on it for your newly licensed teen.

Sadly, you won’t save your marriage with an eternity ring.

And, your boss isn’t going to give you that promotion after receiving your boozy over-the-top gift basket.

Giant gifts won’t guarantee your life will get better … or that the recipient will be happier or will act in a certain way. So, if you’re going to give a big gift, you may want to have a no-strings-attached mindset. Here are a few considerations before you commit to a giant gift.

Step back; who’s putting pressure on you to pony up this giant gift?

If you dissect the facts (has the person actually asked you for this giant gift?) from the fiction (is there a talk track in your head that you made up that’s saying a giant gift is the only thing that would make the person happy?), you might just find that the only person responsible for the pressure to buy a giant gift is you.

If so, why do you feel this way? Is the two-carat diamond ring so that you can show off your wealth to your family? Is the Mercedes-Benz Power Wheels for your four-year-old to keep up with the Joneses, who all seem to be hanging out in cliques at your children’s park? Or, do you want to give this gift because the person you love deserves it more than anyone and this is how you want to show them you care?

From a money and mindset standpoint, whatever is driving this pressure for you to give big needs to be weighed against what you can actually afford and what you’re truly trying to accomplish. If your rationale feels a bit empty, you might want to hold off.

They’ve told you what they want and it’s costly, but they deserve it

Your heart wants to give them this giant gift because you love them and it feels like the right time. The ideal scenario is you’re not taking on additional debt to fund their giant present, and instead paying for the gift with savings.

But, if your savings account isn’t exactly flush with money, you’ll need to get creative.

Start with research around the cost of the item; where are the best prices offered and can you negotiate (is a local retailer more competitive than a big box store)? Is there a second-hand market you could tap into (buying used can shave hundreds or thousands off of the price)? Could you downsize the purchase just a little to save big (a 0.75-carat rather than a one-carat diamond)? Is the pricing seasonal and could you save by buying at a different time of the year, which I get would mean you’re going to be giving an IOU under the tree in an effort to save (a Boxing Week or spring clearance event)? Could the gift be a “split the costs” kind-of-thing (your teen comes up with half the money for their car and you pay the other half)?

This might also mean you’re raising a bit of money by purging and selling things you don’t need from your basement …. like the skis that have been sitting there for five years or your old engagement ring. You may need to hive off a portion of your year-end bonus, finally file all of your benefit claims for reimbursement or take on extra clients before the holidays. It might also mean you’re dialing back all your other holiday spending, and using up all your gift cards and points, to redirect funds towards this present.

If your savings plus these added efforts to raise money still aren’t enough, it is OK to take a few more months to save before you can give the present you really want to give. Maybe have an honest conversation with your loved one so they understand the situation.

Say “no” early to the out-of-touch-with-reality people

It’s happened to all of us. Your loved one wants something that’s too expensive and that frankly, you don’t think they deserve, or that is way too premature — like asking for a $10,000 vacation (even if you split the costs) when you’ve only been dating a few months. The “ask” itself may also be weighing on you emotionally because it’s out of sync with reality.

My advice here is simple. Say “no.” The sooner you do, the sooner everyone will become clear on expectations versus reality. “No” is also a fantastic opportunity to establish healthy boundaries and improve your financial literacy together, even with children (help them understand a bit more about how households run financially). If you encounter emotional retaliation — the “if you loved me you’d do this for me” garbage — know that’s very unhealthy and in extreme cases, it’s emotionally abusive.

Of course, we don’t want to go all Grinch on our enthusiastic and extremely hopeful loved ones, especially around the holidays, but a sprinkle of good measure and a dash of reality are key to staying on track financially and emotionally as the gift-giver.

This article was originally published in The Star. Lesley-Anne Scorgie is a Toronto-based personal finance columnist and a freelance contributing columnist for the Star.