So you’ve married a cheapskate? Here’s what to do

You’ve just tied the knot with the love of your life and are planning your first great escape to France together.

When it comes time to pay for the trip online, your honey shrugs their shoulders in an “I can’t really afford this, can you cover me?” fashion.

You’re still in the honeymoon bedazzlement phase of marriage and foot the entire $10,000 expense. Very quietly in the back of your mind though, you’re kicking yourself for not discussing how to pay for this trip prior. You don’t want to ruffle feathers, so you say nothing.

But, when it happens a second time at the Home Depot two months later, costing you a further $4,000, you’re downright irritated.

“We’re married! Aren’t we supposed to split our expenses equally?” you chirp.

“Are we?” your partner replies. “I make way less than you. You need to step up.”

Uh oh. Now what?

Considering money issues are one of the leading causes of separation and divorce in North America, in the vast majority of cases, couples don’t talk about money nearly enough before and after joining households.

Sure, money can’t be the centre of attention in your lives, but downgrading the importance of financial compatibility below that of travel, careers, rings, weddings, houses and babies is dangerous.

Before lashing out at your partner, try to understand each other’s views

Financial compatibility is as important as personal compatibility because financial choices are a reflection of a person’s value system.

If, for example, one partner wants to save for the couple’s future, but the other partner spends their savings on clothes, the couple’s priorities aren’t aligned and all-out financial brawls will ensue.

Talk about your views on money; spending versus saving, debt, buying property (or not), career paths and the income that goes with it.

What’s driving this for your partner and you? Past experiences and upbringings? Seek to understand (not judge) so that you can get on the same page. Remember, most people learned basically nothing about money growing up.

Now, lay it all out

I’ve been a financial wellness coach for couples for over 15 years and can honestly say that the only path forward for couples that seem to be stuck in a financial rut is transparency. Hiding the truth or only sharing part of the financial picture simply won’t work.

Lay all your cards out on the table (both figuratively and literally) and perform a simple audit of your complete money situation.

Figure out what you’re both bringing home for income, what you’re spending (as individuals and as a shared household), how much money you have in your accounts, the types and amounts of investments, debts and so on.

If there are pre-existing relationships with financial institutions or advisers talk about this. If other family members are somehow involved in your finances, declare it.

I like to guide couples to consolidate this view of information into a net worth template so that the couple has a good understanding of how much money they actually have — together — which is a calculation of their total assets minus total liabilities.

This doesn’t mean the couple must join their accounts! It simply means that they are transparent about where they stand financially.

Talk about your concerns

If your partner is a cheapskate and it bothers you, bring it up. If their work ethic is annoying to you, say it, and why. Trust me, they’ll have some feedback for you to digest, too.

A really effective way to work through these concerns is to shift the conversation towards the goals you want to achieve as a couple.

Remember when you were in the carefree dating mode? You probably talked a lot about your dreams. Revisit those conversations and discuss what you jointly want to work toward. Dreaming together will also help reignite your passions for each other; so don’t be surprised if you land up in the bedroom after this talk — enjoy!

Agree on how to make these dreams happen

This means setting up a budget that supports your goals, clearly defining the role each partner will play and holding each other accountable. I guide couples to think about budgeting as one pot of money (not individual pots of money) that gets used to support the whole household.

This effectively ensures that if there is an income differential between the partners, they fund the budget proportionally; and that is a fair and healthy approach.

It’s prudent to swap money chores/roles from time to time so that partners are aware of the total financial position of the household. Though you may not like to deal with certain financial matters, it’s irresponsible to ignore them. That said, some partners are better at some financial tasks than others, and it is OK to have one person take the lead for much of it.

Consider getting financial advice and a plan from an objective and qualified professional. A financial adviser or financial wellness coach can review your plan and suggest the most efficient ways to achieve your goals, and organize your money.

The truth is that joint accounts aren’t for all couples. Certainly many thrive in this structure because it creates transparency and typically efficiencies in spending, but that can still happen with separated accounts and transparency. My advice is to try both systems and see what works best for you as a couple and as individuals.

As you get on the same financial page as your partner, you’ll spend less time worrying about your money, and more time investing in your relationship.

This article was originally published in The Star. Lesley-Anne Scorgie is a Toronto-based personal finance columnist and a freelance contributing columnist for the Star