Talking about money with your family? Here's where to draw the line

Your mom saw recent articles about the loud budgeting trend (where everyone is talking more openly about their finances) and she’s now up in your private business asking questions about your retirement savings regime.

You know she just wants the best for you, but the unqualified advice and opinions about how much you spend on travelling is getting annoying.

Here’s how to draw the line with family when talking about money matters: set financial boundaries.

These are promises you make to yourself, to take care of your needs, while you engage in relationships. Boundaries set you and your family up for success by outlining what’s healthy (sticking to the boundaries) and what’s not (which sometimes includes toxic behaviours). Follow these steps to etch out financial boundaries that actually help improve your relationships.

Step 1: Take a pause and reflect on what exactly is bothering you about these invasive conversations you seem to keep getting pulled into. This step is about identifying triggers.

I often have my students and clients note their physical reactions, because things like a quickened pulse, sweaty palms, raised eyebrows, shortness of breath, can be clues as to what is bugging you the most.

Everyone is different. Some people don’t get fussed about sharing their detailed budget or salary information, while others would never in a million years want their parents to know anything about their debt situation or how much they spend on groceries. Don’t judge yourself. Note what’s bugging you.

Step 2: Say out loud what your boundaries are. The only way your family will know what’s OK and what's not OK is if they clearly hear what’s off limits.

Now, this is the part where I hear people ask, “shouldn’t my dad just know that the question about my savings account balance is annoying and private?” But sometimes your family doesn’t know, even if it seems like common sense.

I recommend explaining what the boundary is, with a crystal-clear example, and outline the consequences for violating it.

For example: “Sister, I’m not comfortable sharing my salary with you or the rest of the family because that is private information. It makes me uncomfortable. If this topic comes up again at our dinners, I’ll need to excuse myself from the table.”

Or, “I feel disrespected when you speak about me and my wife’s financial situation. We will not be able to attend Easter celebrations if this continues to happen.”

Remember, you can’t control their reaction, or if they’ll respect the clear boundaries you’ve outlined. But you can control yourself and your reaction.

Step 3: Deal with boundary violations by upholding the consequences you said would happen. Sometimes it can make sense to give them an opportunity to course correct, other times, especially if it’s a repeated violation, you shouldn’t give leeway. Explain why you’re doing what you’re doing. For example, “Brother, I’ve asked you three times to stop requesting to look at my investment portfolio. You are not respecting my wishes. I’m heading home now.”

Step 4: Use this opportunity to learn more about each other’s values, but be clear that you’re entitled to your own. It can go a little something like this: “I know you and Dad enjoyed being homeowners, and I loved growing up in this house. But, right now, I’m focusing on balancing travel experiences while learning to save. Building a down payment isn’t a priority for me. Perhaps in the future I’ll change my mind and want to buy a place.” Then you can ask your parents questions like “I hear repeatedly from you that I need to be a homeowner. What is it about buying a home I can’t afford that you believe would help my life?” This is often a time where you’ll learn more about each other’s values, and you can tell your family precisely what is important to you and your life.

Keep that lens of personal self-care front and centre if you decide to learn more about each other’s values. It’s OK to leave the conversation (I recommend physically removing yourself from the space) if your family continues to try to force their values on you. This goes both ways, by the way. Your values might not be right for them, either.

Step 5: It’s an ongoing process, and the boundaries will evolve. Note that as you start establishing and holding up your boundaries, your nosiest family members might try to pry into your finances even more and it’s important to stick to the consequences consistently over time. You and your family will evolve and grow and it’s normal for shifts in your boundaries and associated consequences to happen. For example, you may have to make the consequences much more/less severe.

The blurriest financial boundary situations I see in my work are in situations where money is being exchanged amongst family members. For example, parents giving their adult children a monthly stipend to help deal with the cost of living or where adult children are financially supporting their retired parents. My advice in these situations is to have even stronger financial boundaries that clearly outline what is and isn’t OK to share, and what strings are attached to any money being exchanged. Otherwise, you’ll end up frustrated, resentful, feeling judged and with a damaged relationship

This article was originally published in The Star. Lesley-Anne Scorgie is a Toronto-based personal finance columnist and a freelance contributing columnist for the Star.