’Tis the season for financial self-sabotage
“I promise I will be more mindful with my holiday spending this year.
“But the Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals are so good!
“Just a few more things won’t hurt.
“Why do I feel bad about spending money I worked so hard to earn on myself?
“Whatever! I deserve this. I grew up with nothing and I’m not going to live like my parents.
“I wonder if my parents would be mad at me for spending this much money?
“Seriously, I’m 42 years old and can make my own decisions.
“ Time to checkout …. Don’t look! Don’t look! … Input credit card here …. Oh, look, I can defer my payments, that’s cool …. I’m clicking that for sure. Phew, all done and I didn’t even have to look at the total; my credit card accepted the whole amount.
“Hmmm, I wonder if I overdid it? I don’t feel very good about myself.
“You know, my car has been on the fritz for the past few months. I’m going to see if there are any deals on new vehicles I like.
“Oh, there’s one and I am pretty sure that payment will fit my budget. I’m going to go for a test drive.
“ … and, that was so easy to get approved for financing. I can’t wait to show my parents my new car. I should probably wait until the holidays are over to do that or they’ll be mad at me.”
Repeat. Insert tears. Repeat. Insert anger. Repeat. Insert empty promises to change.
This is financial self-sabotage and it tends to ramp-up during the holidays.
It looks a bit different for every person suffering from it. But the solutions to overcoming this harmful cycle are all the same:
Decide you’re ready to work on this
For many people, this happens at a point where an extreme financial event, or series of events, has occurred. It might be a creditor calling or simply seeing the whopper of a credit-card bill or being declined at the grocery store. Other times, a close friend or family member may call you out on your financial choices — you should be prepared that they will probably do this in a very angry way because they themselves have experienced financial self-sabotage and know the suffering you’ll encounter.
Listen, if you’re tired of feeling on a financial roller coaster, and always chasing the big “win” that never seems to happen, decide you’re ready to become financially well. You need to want this. You need to know you deserve this opportunity.
Be aware of what triggers you
What triggers overspending for you? What triggers risk-taking or gambling or excessively playing of the lottery? What triggers hoarding? And what triggers financial arguments with your spouse? Is your self-esteem high, medium or low, and is this triggering you to spend to feel better?
It can be extremely helpful to work with a therapist to unpack the triggers around your win-lose money cycle. From my experience and extensive work within the space of money mindset, I can tell you that, once you understand these triggers, and can identify these patterns as they are happening, that awareness has the power to stop financial self-sabotage dead in its tracks.
Your upbringing, and who you partner with, has a big impact on your financial state of mind
Growing up, my family struggled financially due to job instability, huge tuition bills — both my parents went back to school in their 30s — low income and mental health issues. More than a few times in my childhood, we filled our fridge with food from the church food bank. Today, as a successful finance professional, wife and mom of two, when I see that my fridge is low, it saddens me, even if it is our regular shopping day. I know this trigger. And, I know that it comes from some of the tough times we went through as a family growing up. I don’t have to live in fear anymore. I am in control.
What was your family dynamic (or that of your intimate partner) around money as a child and teen? If there was a lot of struggle, you may be an aggressive risk-taker because of your relative good fortune. Taking those risks might make you feel really good for a bit, and possibly relieve anxiety, but result in you making bad financial choices a lot of the time. If there was no struggle at all, and no education or responsibility, you might be triggered to overspend because you’re mentally attached to a previous lifestyle you can’t actually afford as an adult. Your partner may be ultra frugal and cramping your lifestyle because they are suffering from a scarcity mindset instilled by their parents.
There are deep reasons you’re sabotaging your finances. Learn these. Acknowledge them, but don’t fixate on them. Put the past where it belongs — off to the side and out of the way of you creating a better money story for your future.
The practical part of cycle breaking is making a plan
This plan doesn’t need to be detailed, but it’s got to have a few governing principles — let’s say one or two — to help you stay on track and break the self-sabotage pattern. Here are a few ideas:
No new debt
Wait 24 hours before making any purchases
Do not set foot in any places where there’s gambling or the lottery
Track your spending each day
If you successfully avoid a trigger, reward yourself with positive self talk
Steer clear of people and places that trigger you
Go to therapy to work on yourself (and, for heaven sake, if you have benefits for mental health support, use them up)
Learn to make a budget
Join a support community
Evaluate your risk every time you make a financial decision.
Go easy on yourself! This is a process and the thing about money is that our state of mind drives up to 90 per cent of the financial decisions we make. The stronger you feel emotionally, the better choices you will make with your finances.
And, if this column has made you angry or anxious, that’s a very good thing; this is precisely the nudge you need to make financial wellness a priority.
This article was originally published in The Star. Lesley-Anne Scorgie is a Toronto-based personal finance columnist and a freelance contributing columnist for the Star.
